What? Thought that incoming call was a date? Oh ho ho! Looks like the player got played!
A Girl Invites You to ‘Hang Out’: A Blessing, Or A Serious Lack Of Clarity When Planning The First Date?
Randy was upset. Really upset. Which is rare for him. He’s usually the epitome of laid-back chill and cool. He’s been dating a handful of very nice ladies recently, and has a lot of this ‘Female Thang’ under wraps.
But here he was with his knickers in a twist because of a twist…
“A few weeks ago I met this girl at a bar while drinking with my bro. Got her number and planned to call her a week later.
But, surprise surprise, before I can do that, a few days later she calls me up and invites me to go drinking with her.
So, of course, I accept the incoming invitation, but when I arrive at the bar she’s already there – with her best friend. And two other guys. And both guys are all over her! So I’m kinda thrown for a loop because I assumed she invited me on a date and here she is with all these other people.”
Let’s stop the narrative right there for a moment and break this down a bit.
First of all props to Randy for asking for the phone number in the first place. He’s a closer and that’s always Golden. The rocket doesn’t even get off the pad until we’ve got her digits.
Second he gets respect for being willing to wait a week to call her.
Most guys go running right into rejection and misery when they chase the girl too intensely. Better for them to take a bunch of steps back and move slowly, but surely.
But then the girl calls him and he’s over the moon!
And lets cut him some slack here – he’s got a good reason to be flying – girls usually never call guys and when they do it’s kinda like Christmas and the Fourth of July and Super Bowl Sunday all rolled into one.
Yeah, a big deal.
Except when it isn’t.
Which, in Randy’s case, it wasn’t.
How To Handle A Girl Inviting You Out For A First Date
So what’s the deal with incoming calls – and what was the problem here?
Well, in this story, Randy didn’t make it clear to the girl that he wanted to see her one-on-one for a date.
He assumed that she was calling him up for a date and we all know that meme about the word ‘assume,’ right?
Exactly, it makes an ‘ass’ out of ‘u’ (you) and ‘me.’
When she initially called and made her pitch, Randy should have clarified exactly what was going on rather than let his imagination put in front of him a bed of roses.
“Woah, you’re calling and asking me out on a date? Just the two of us? Oh, wow! What will I wear, should I get my hair done? Where are you taking me?”
Yes, on the surface it sounds all light and funny, a little bit cocky and a whole lotta witty (as should everything that comes out of our mouths when we’re talking to ANY female). But look a little more closely and we see that what we’re really doing is finding out what her true intentions are.
“Oh no, it’s not a date. I’m bringing my friends and we’ll all go hang out and have fun.”
Uh, no.
We don’t do group dates – at least not with total strangers. (Heck, we don’t do group dates at all unless the female in question is our declared exclusive girlfriend.) We only want to meet up with girls that are interested in seeing us one on one – it keeps everything simple and easy to track.
So in the event she lays out a ‘group’ plan we politely decline and present a counteroffer:
“Wow. Sounds like fun and thanks for the invite, but the timing just won’t work for me. How about you and me, we meet up for coffee, just the two of us, on Thursday evening at 7 – how does that sound to you?”
And we shut up and wait for her to either accept, decline, or counter our counter-offer.
Handling The Aftermath Of A First Date Gone Wrong
As Randy continued his story – complete with the other guys chasing the girl who invited him out, her happily basking in all the male attention until getting all bent outta shape because she already had a boyfriend and just wanted to have fun drinking with all of them without having to deal with their romantic advances when things took a more serious turn, spilled drinks, hurt feelings, yada-yada – it became more and more obvious he had been suckered into a seriously raw deal by a girl who understood the power of an incoming call on the male ego.
To Randy’s credit (once again), after a few hours of watching all this, he simply get bored and left.
The better play – once he walked into this hot mess and scoped out the situ – would have been to gone on to hustle some other girls in the bar and leave this Total Train Wreck to the other guys. She was never all that to begin with.
But had he handled things correctly from the start, he could have saved himself a whole lotta aggra.
Incoming calls from her are truly the best as long as we clarify what her intent really is up front, and bail on situations that are not to our benefit.
Be Amazing,
Douglas Hall
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often when a girl brings someone along it’s because of either shyness or security, and when she has another couple of guys around it makes her feel wanted and boosts her self esteem, but in my case I would just wait a while and see if she comes on to me and then ignores the other men , then ok, but if not, I’m out the door, I’m not so neanderthal that I have to fight like stags for the female. It’s all about respect.
Is this serious?
A girl bringing other guys along to a DATE is an instant deal-breaker.
“Hey Amber. Good to see you. Are your friends leaving?”
“No… I thought we could all hang out.”
“Cool. Well I’ve suddenly become very busy. I hope you all have a fun time.”
This is all stuff that should be clarified before you meet her (read: On the phone call when you use the word “date”).
These are all qualities in women that we want to avoid. If she is insecure enough and has low enough self-esteem to need several guys vying for her attention after agreeing to come on a date, she is out. Too many great women out there to waste time on girls like this.
This is why we advise guys to watch for red flags rather than trying to “get the girl” if she has a few qualities you like. Too many guys will are willing to rationalize bad attitude behavior from women based on the fact that she is pretty, or because she is [insert positive quality].
Nah. Way too much wasted time and effort there. Easier to simply be very clear with the woman while calling her up for the date. “I want to invite you out on a short coffee date” says it all. Then, if she brings along other guys, you can happily disqualify her.
Women with healthy self-esteem don’t bring other guys to a date with a guy they are interested in. If she brings another guy along, what does that tell you about her? Continue giving her attention at your own risk. I wouldn’t. Too many great girls out there that I would rather be with.
Be Amazing.
Jack D. Serrano
@Jack-Good points you made.I’m all about it.
But what’s your take on some gurus insights who may say that the girl having a friend or so tag along would be a good way in getting the girl to come out in the first place?
Doesn’t seem like the worst idea in having here bring along a GF,if it means she won’t cockblock.
Straight up, her bringing a friend is a bad hand to invest in. Sure, a pair of twos does beat ace high, but it’s still the 2nd to weakest hand – and that’s not to say you can’t win with it depending on a whole bunch of different factors. But when it comes down to it, we like our guys making good decisions based on good odds while avoiding messy situations like the other described in this post. When we invite a girl out who we’re interested in (whether we structure the offer as a date, as hanging, as meeting up, or whatever) and she wants to bring a friend, odds are just not in our favor. Fold and play the next hand.
Ok,that makes sense.I’m totally on board with you on this.
There’s really nothing positive that can come out of her bringing along a friend.At the end of the date,she’s almost always guarantee to leave with the friend,opposed to going home with the guy and ditching her GF.
Some nice pointers here Mr.Rob.
I’m typically not the PUA who would be opened to a group setting(if I can avoid it).But this post is solid.Long but solid.
Thanks for the comment Kenny. We always try to clarify any dealings with our dates before jumping in – that means clearly spelling out that dates are for TWO people. If she’s not down for that, that’s fine. We simply hang-up and go meet more women. Be Amazing,
JR
Well the funny thing about me though;I don’t do traditional dates.My thing is more like a meet up.Where as a lot of guys who aren’t skilled in pick up,they look to take the girl on traditional dates/boring dates.But your point is well taken though.
Indeed, but even if you’re offering ‘meet ups’ / ‘hanging out’ you can still clarify your goals on the phone before getting caught up into a weird situation that doesn’t work in your favor. A friend of mine once rolled this to much hilarity and success:
Him: “Let’s hang out at (place) on (time).”
Her: “Sure! Can I bring my friend? You can bring one of your guy friends, too!”
Him: “Uuuuuuh, no. Having sex with 3 people at once is too hard. Just the two of us.”
Lol I like the way your friend played it.
And it’s so typical of chics to suggest if they can bring along someone(which I dread with a passion).But throughout my years in the seduction community,I learned that such suggestions on the HB’s part is done more so out of a lack of comfort to be one on one with the guy.
What’s your take on the girl lacking comfort so she suggest her GF to come along?
The seduction community would indeed attribute that to a lack of comfort.
But the bottom-line is, if she was interested in you romantically, she would leave her friend at home.
If a girl isn’t willing to meet 1-on-1 for a short coffee date (our recommended first date) then it is a major sign that either she has issues OR she just isn’t into you (but is willing to see you to see how much attention/something else she can get from you).
Interestingly, when I was testing lots of seduction community stuff (where creating comfort was an issue) I had many more girls who wanted to bring friends on first dates.
Now it almost never happens. And when it does I let the girl know that dates are for 2 people. If she still wants to bring a friend then I toss the number ’cause she’s not the kind of girl I want in my life (she either has baggage OR she’s not into me)
Be Amazing,
Jack D. Serrano