My Girlfriend Cheated on Me, What Do I Do?
Short answer – Dump her. Immediately.
Toss her contact information into the abyss (read: delete her information from your phone, delete her messages unread, and never contact her again).
For many guys, this is easier said than done so I’ll give you some advice on how to handle the manipulation that she will throw your way when she sees you have the balls to dump her for arguably the worst, most fatal deal-breakers in a relationship.
For the purposes of this blog post, we are assuming that the guy is in a mutually exclusive, boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with a women who then breaks that commitment by cheating. If you’re just dating and you haven’t made any commitments to each other, she can see anyone she likes (as can you).
Now that we’re all clear on that, you need to be 100% sure that she has cheated on you. Accusing a girl of cheating when she hasn’t is incredibly disrespectful. We don’t do that.
Cheaters don’t get broken up with like an honest girls so we want clear proof of violation.
Not “pretty sure.” Not “I got a hunch that she did it.” You have to know, preferably by having seen clear evidence with your own eyes.
How to Break-Up When Your Girlfriend Cheated on You
There are a number of ways (some more hardcore than others) to break up with a girl who cheats on you. I’ll share my preferences.
If at all possible (meaning you don’t live together and you don’t have any of your necessities at her house), send her one text message that says, “I can’t see you anymore. I had fun, thanks.”
No explanations. No excuses. No angry letter. No telling her that you caught her cheating. No telling her how you caught her (this only makes it easier for her to hide her deceit with the next guy).
Even better would be to simply disappear from her life without a single word… But this can increase the chances that she shows up at your door unexpectedly (which she might do anyways).
“But what if I’ve been with her for a long time and she has some of my stuff?”
Same thing. Dump her. Immediately. As soon as possible.
If she has stuff that you can live without, simply move on (and let it serve as a lesson never to leave your stuff with women).
If she has stuff that you need, get it back before you break up with her, without tipping your hand (and let it serve as a lesson never to leave your stuff with women).
Send her a short message, email, voicemail or phone call and then disappear. Vanish. Like Kaiser Soze.
If that seems curt, remember: She cheated on you!
She forfeited all respectful breakup privileges when she cheated. This leads right into an important point…
She Will Guilt-Trip You When You Break-Up with Her
In most cases, she will us a lot of emotional manipulation tactics if you ever give her the chance to voice herself to you (not recommended).
- But I really, really like you!
- You can’t just breakup with me like that!
- How can you be so cold!
- Don’t leave me, I need your help to change!
- I can’t believe you’d do this to helpless little old me!
- I was drunk!
- I didn’t mean to!
- It’s not my fault, it just happened!
- I didn’t know it would lead to sex!
- You never say ‘I love you’!
- You don’t show me enough affection!
- You were just using me!
- You aren’t [insert manipulative accusation]
She’ll tell you that she’ll change or that she’ll never do it again or that she’s sorry.
All of these are meaningless words coming from a woman who cheated on you.
Read Manuel J. Smith’s book, When I Say No I Feel Guilty for great assertiveness advice on how to handle her impending emotional manipulation. Also read our blog posts on assertiveness and our posts on ex-girlfriends and breakups.
The bottom-line is that a woman who cheated will hurt you even more if you don’t eject her out of your life.
Here’s a little logic train that puts things into perspective:
- A woman who is honest and loyal will NOT cheat on you. (She’ll simply dump you long before cheating).
- If she cheats on you, she is not honest and loyal.
- I do not have relationships with women who are not honest and loyal (and recommend the same to you).
If she has done it once, you can be 99.999% positive that she’ll do it again in the future.
“But Jack, don’t you believe in second chances?”
Yes. She gets a second chance with the next guy.
Truth is, she had thousands of chances to stop herself and change course, before cheating.
Her first chance was when she let the guy talk to her. She could have stopped right there and stayed loyal to you..
Her second of one-thousand+ chances was when she kept talking to him, flirted with him, exchanged numbers, chose to see him again, decided to be in a private setting with him, chose to stay when he made a move, avoided leaving when he started touching her, and enjoyed it when they had sex. Even worse, she did all of this while thinking of you the entire time!
Second chances are for when she spills her drink, makes a bad-tasting batch of cookies or accidentally hits your face during a snowball fight. Disloyalty and dishonesty is a serious Attitude flaw. We don’t let those women stay in our lives.
“But what if she really, really cares about me?”
If dishonesty, disloyalty, and disrespect is how she treats people she cares about, do you really want to keep her in your life? Imagine what she will do in those moments when she doesn’t care about you (hint: cheat). Imagine how she will treat you years later in life when your relationship has gotten a bit more stale (with cheaters, the relationship will get stale no matter what you do. It’s how they justify their actions to themselves.) Imagine what she will do to you when she feels like you aren’t giving her enough attention in the relationship?
My Girlfriend Cheated on Me, What Did I Do Wrong?
This can be a big topic on it’s own with a variety of answers but here is your primary mistake:
You were with the wrong girl.
Your mistake was making her your girlfriend.
In all likelihood, she showed you some major red flags earlier in the relationship that hinted that she was disloyal or dishonest and you missed them. Time to learn from your mistake and move on.
Another major mistake you might have made is that you drove her interest in you down over a long period of time. She just wasn’t into you anymore, even if she was still with you. All of the advice and training on our website is designed to keep her into you for the long-run and keep her more and more into you as time passes. As with anything, the relationship requires effort if you want to keep it fun, exciting and fresh years later. But like I said earlier, if she is honest and loyal, she will dump you when she stops being into you. The fact that she cheated on you when you didn’t run the relationship as well as you could is simply a sign that she is a disloyal cheater.
No matter what mistakes you made, dump her if you find out she cheated on you.
“What if I cheated on her?”
Lest you think that I am being one-sided on my advice, I am well-aware that there are guys who cheat in relationships.
My advice to guys is this: If you are in a mutually-exclusive declared relationship, be a man of your word. Always. Everything I’ve said will be recommended to women if the guy cheats. It works both ways.
Do you have any questions about how to handle a girl who cheated on you? Write a comment below or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Jack D. Serrano